Do I Have To Put Up With You?
June 128, 2009
Part 3 of summer 2009 series on God’s answers to our questions
We are looking at some of the things this summer that we find to be problems or that we have questions about in our everyday lives –– and how we can find God’s answers to these problems and questions.
Life is filled with things that bother us and that are problems for us – things we might wish we had answers for. These things can range from how to deal with the economy and the way if affects our daily living to how to be a Christian parent to how to deal with “difficult people” to how to deal with emotions such as anger.
I believe that the Bible is our guide to living life in God’s ways – and contains God’s answers to our questions in life.
Paul wrote to Timothy in 2 Timothy 3:16-17 that:
“16All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.”
This summer we’re going to look at some of the issues and questions we may face in our lives – and how God would have us deal with them.
Today we are going to look at an issue we all have to face from time to time – how to deal with folks that are “difficult” – folks that just seem to rub us the wrong way – folks we wish we could avoid – but can’t.
How do we deal with difficult people?
How do we deal with those people who rub us the wrong way?
We might wish we didn’t have to put up them – but we do – and we need to look at God’s word to see how to do it.
Listen to what Paul wrote in Colossians 3:12-17:
Read Scripture
You know — much of living the Christian life comes down to how well we get along with other people. Scripture makes it plain that God places tremendous value on unity. Paul stressed unity repeatedly through out his letters. In Psalms it says: How good it is when brothers live together in unity. (Psalm 133:1) The next verse doesn’t say: “How rare it is when people live together in unity”—but it could. The ability to get along with others requires a great deal of effort. Our natural tendency is not to get along – and to try to avoid those we can’t get along with.
The old adage that:
“I was taught that if I can’t say something nice to someone don’t say anything – so since I can’t say anything nice to that person I’ll just avoid them”
is ok – but truly not the Christian way to deal with folks we find difficult to deal with.
You might remember when Jimmy Johnson took over as coach of the Dallas Cowboys. The Cowboys had been on a downward spiral, but within a few years he rebuilt the organization and guided them to the Super Bowl — and they won. The next year they did it again. After winning his second Super Bowl, what did owner Jerry Jones do? Give Jimmy Johnson a raise? No, he fired him! Together they had rebuilt the Cowboy dynasty and had accomplished the seemingly impossible, but they couldn’t get along. Winning wasn’t compensation enough, and Texas just wasn’t big enough for both men’s massive egos, so they parted company. This serves to remind us that even when things are going well, it’s hard to maintain unity – and deal with folks you find it hard to get along with.
As you go through life you’re going to find some people simply rub you the wrong way. Some people are just going to be difficult for you to deal with. Maybe they have done something to hurt you – or maybe they continually do things that hurt you – or maybe they don’t do anything specific — but there’s something about them that gets under your skin.
Do me a favor — raise your hand if you have never had a person who rubbed you the wrong way.
I don’t see any hands raised.
Mine is not either.
Yea – we all have had times when people rub us that wrong way – and have all had to deal with “difficult people”.
We’ve all had people we wanted to look at and say:
“Do I have to put up with you?”
And – believe it or not – - there will be times when you find that you – even likeable and friendly and jolly you — rub someone else the wrong way – or that you – yes even you – might be a difficult person for someone else!
Since we all know that we have – and will continue to have – difficult people in our lives – and yes we are even going to be difficult people for others – we need to look at how God ways us to get along with difficult people – how to put up with folks we would rather not have to put up with. And – if you’re on the receiving end of someone’s cold shoulder, these principles will help you defuse difficult situations. God wants us to live together in unity – and in Colossians 3:12-17 shows us how to put up with difficult folks.
First of all, Paul writes that we must be willing to…
1. Take the high road.
Paul writes:
(v. 12) Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved…
Paul is reminding us of who we are. We are God’s people, dearly loved by Him, and expected to live holy lives.
This is our identity – it is who we are!
This should determine how we act.
When we relate to other people, we should say to ourselves, “I don’t know where this person is spiritually, but I know where I’m supposed to be in my spiritual life, and my attitudes and actions are going to reflect that.”
If others want to stir up trouble at work, or cause friction in your family life, or create chaos within the church, that’s their choice. You don’t have to try to get even; you can take the high road to solving the conflict.
Some time ago rock music legends Keith Richards – guitarist for the Rolling Stones — and Elton John made the news with public insults of one another. Keith said that Elton John is a “Vegas act” and that his career now consists of “writing songs for dead blondes.” (You might remember that Elton John wrote memorial a songs for Marilyn Monroe and that he rewrote it at the death of Princess Diana.) Elton responded to Keith’s remarks by saying, “He’s so pathetic. It’s like a monkey with arthritis trying to go on stage and look young.” What surprises me most about this interchange is that both men participated. Both are extremely famous, extremely successful (by rock music standards), extremely rich, and extremely busy. Yet they each found time to prepare and publicly deliver cheap-shots directed at the other. The result was that they both wound up looking petty and vindictive.
On the other hand, do you remember several years ago when Tiger Woods first won the Master’s Golf Tournament? Afterward Fuzzy Zoeller made a racist comment that – without much effort -– could have been blown into a major controversy. It would have been bad enough if he had said it in the clubhouse around his friends, but he said it on national TV. A lot of people were upset and Fuzzy himself became the target of some rather vicious talk. Do you remember how Tiger reacted? He simply said, “I know he is a jokester; I have concluded that no personal animosity toward me was intended — we all make mistakes and it is time to move on.” Tiger could have said so much more. He could have gotten even. Instead, he took the high road.
Taking the high road is a lot easier to do when you remember that you’re not perfect either. You’ve made some mistakes. You’ve gotten your hands dirty a few times. You know what it’s like to need forgiveness. That’s why Paul said,
(v. 14) Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
A friend who is a marriage counselor told me about a couple he was who were having problems in their marriage. The husband was fed up with his wife and ready to leave — and he had many well-documented reasons for wanting to go. As a last-ditch effort, she persuaded him to try one counseling session. During the session the husband gave the counselor a list of reasons why he couldn’t go on in the marriage. After a few minutes of this, the counselor said to him, “So, what is your contribution to the problems in this marriage?” The husband looked at the counselor and said, “My contribution?” “Right” the counselor said. “What have you done to make things more difficult for her?” After some thought the husband said, “Well, I’m not very patient.” The counselor said, “Ok. What else?” The husband stared at the counselor, then finally said, “I have a hair-trigger temper and I yell sometimes.” The counselor pressed him for more. The wife spoke up and said: “Well, he doesn’t always do what he says he’s going to do.” The counselor stopped her and told her that this was the husband’s chance to think about what he had sone in the marriage. “Well, she’s right. I’m always promising to take her out on the weekend and I never do.” the husband added. . They went through this lost for several minutes until they had accumulated quite a list of things the husband had done. The counselor finally reviewed the list and said to the husband “And you’re talking about leaving her? I can’t believe she hasn’t left you!” Suddenly, a new element had been added to the mix: humility. The husband realized he had been making his wife as miserable as she had been making him. He went from seeing himself as the victim to seeing himself, to a certain extent, as the perpetrator. From that day on their marriage was different. They began seeing the marriage counselor every week and were able to work out their differences. Their marriage was saved when they each began to take the high road, and forgive one another as Christ had forgiven each of them.
That’s what it means to take the high road.
Show others the same mercy you have been shown by Christ.
Does this mean we sweep conflict under the rug and never deal with it? No, of course not. But it means that we don’t resort to name – calling and hostility with those who don’t agree with us.
You are one of God’s people; let your actions show it.
When dealing with difficult people – people you would rather not have to deal with – when having to put up with folks you would rather not have to put up with – take the high road and don’t contribute to the problem.
Secondly, remember…
2. Your actions are more important than your feelings.
Have you ever been ready to go to work in the morning, opened the front door, and been hit by a blast of winter air and realized you won’t make it to work without freezing? What do you do? You probably go back inside the house and grab a sweater or a coat. Your skin is too sensitive for the cold, so you clothe yourself accordingly.
Paul wrote that we’re to do the same thing in our personal relationships. He wrote:
(v. 12) Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
He used the phrase “clothe yourselves” because sometimes you have to cover your feelings by “putting on” the right behavior. Your feelings may be sending you in one direction emotionally, but you can clothe yourself with attitudes and behavior that move you in the right direction.
Over the years we’ve been lied to about our feelings. We’ve been told if we feel something it must be real. We’ve been told that if we have feelings we should express them to others; we need to get our feelings out in the open so we can deal with them. Let me tell you something. Spitting out a bunch of hostile, angry, mean, resentful words at someone is not going to help. It is not going to make you a better person, it is not going to make them a better person, and it won’t improve your relationship. Just because you feel something doesn’t mean you have to say it. And you don’t have to let your feelings control your actions.
Paul wrote:
“Put on compassion…put on kindness…put on gentleness.”
You may not feel these things, but you can “put them on”—at least temporarily. Some people say, “That seems hypocritical,” but it’s not. If you feel dislike for another person, and you show them kindness, you’re not being hypocritical, you’re being holy!
The Bible never tells us that we will be judged according to our feelings. It says again and again we are judged according to our actions. You can’t always control the way you feel, but you can control the way you act. So – act in compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.
Does this mean you sweep conflict with others under the rug? No, of course not. It means that when you deal with conflict you put your feelings aside and you put a layer of holiness between you and the other person.
I read not long ago that you may not be able to change things that happen or occur in your life or some of the people who may be difficult for you to deal with and put up with – but you can change how you react to them or respond to them. React and respond with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.
When dealing with difficult people – people you would rather not have to deal with – when having to put up with folks you would rather not have to put up with – take the high road and don’t contribute to the problem – and react in ways that show compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.
Thirdly, remember to. ..
3. Include Christ in every conversation.
You probably remember the bracelets with the letters “WWJD”. Hundreds of thousands of young people and some not so young across the country wore them, them a few years ago. They served as a powerful reminders to do what Jesus would do.
WWJD stood for “What would Jesus do?”
It’s a good question to ask yourself in any situation.
Another good question to ask yourself is “What would Jesus say?”
If you’re having a conversation with someone and angry words are about to be exchanged, ask yourself, “What would Jesus say right now?” If you’re talking to friends and an outsider becomes the topic of conversation, ask yourself, “What would Jesus say about this person?” You may not always know what Jesus would say, but you’ll almost always know for certain what he wouldn’t say!
We need to make sure our conversation is filled with words that lift people up, instead of tearing them down. Paul wrote:
(v. 16) Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom.
He is saying, “Include Christ in every conversation.”
Ask yourself, “What would Jesus say?”
Does this mean all of our conversations become nothing but fluff and we sweep all conflict under the rug? No, of course not. It means that when we have conflict, we discuss it with no one but the person involved. Otherwise, we keep quiet.
When dealing with difficult people – people you would rather not have to deal with – when having to put up with folks you would rather not have to put up with – take the high road and don’t contribute to the problem – react in ways that show compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience – and keep Christ in every conversation.
There’s a fourth principle that will help you in dealing with difficult people – people you would rather not deal with.
4. Pursue personal peace.
The key to developing peace in our relationships with others is to develop peace within ourselves first. I’ve never met a happy critic. I’ve never met a gossip who is full of the joy of the Lord.
It comes down to this: people who constantly stir up tension in relationships do it because they have no peace within themselves; and people who have peace have no desire to stir things up.
Paul said:
(v.15) Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.
If you have not personally experienced the peace of God which passes all understanding, then it’s no wonder that your relationships are rocky. You can’t give to someone else what you don’t have.
The Bible promises that we can experience the overwhelming presence of God’s peace:
You, Lord, give true peace to those who depend on you, because they trust you. (Isaiah 26:3 NCV)
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you…(John 14:1)
…and the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7)
Paul also reminds us that peace is the fruit of—the result of being filled with—the Holy Spirit. (Galatians 5:22)
If people are constantly rubbing you the wrong way – or if there are a lot of folks you would rather not have to deal with — there is a chance that they are not the problem! If other people frequently disappoint you — if your employees do more things wrong than they do right — if your children get on your nerves all the time — if you find that you notice when other people don’t do their job — if your spouse just doesn’t live up to your expectations – well maybe, just maybe, the source of the problem can be traced to the fact that you aren’t experiencing the peace of God in your life.
I guarantee that once you experience God’s peace, you will lose all interest in conflict, you will lose any desire to be judgmental, you will lose the tendency to be “on edge.”
Getting along with others – dealing with difficult people – dealing with folks you may not really want to deal with — may not always be easy, but it’s possible. It happens when you make an effort for it to happen. Let the peace of Christ rule in your heart, and people will less likely rub you the wrong way – or be the kind of person you don’t want to deal with.
Of course, there will always be people who rub you the wrong way — people you would rather not deal with – people you would rather not put up with. When you have to deal with them – or put up with them — take the high road — remember that your actions are more important than your feelings and you can choose how to react to them — include Christ in every conversation…and let the peace of Christ rule in your heart.
Remembering these 4 tips can help you deal with difficult people – and put up with folks you don’t want to put up with. Amen.
