Can I Control My Anger – Or Will It Control Me?
Part 4 of 2009 summer series on God’s answers to our questions
July 19 2009
This summer we are looking at some of the things that we find to be problems or that we have questions about in our everyday lives –– and how we can find God’s answers to these problems and questions.
Life is filled with things that bother us and that are problems for us – questions we might wish we had answers for. These things can range from how to deal with the economy and the way if affects our daily living to how to be a Christian parent to how to deal with “difficult people” to how to deal with emotions such as anger.
The Bible is our guide to living life in God’s ways – and contains God’s answers to our questions in life.
Paul wrote to Timothy in 2 Timothy 3:16-17 that:
“16All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.”
This summer we’re looking at some of the issues and questions we may face in our lives – and how God would have us deal with them.
Today we are going to look at one of the issues we all have face and may have questions about – that is how to deal with our emotions – particularly the emotion of anger.
How do we deal with anger?
There are times all of us get angry!
Anger is a feeling we are all familiar with!
The question is – how do we deal with it?
How does God want us to deal with anger?
Can you learn to control your anger – or will it control you?
Listen to God’s word in Ephesians 4:17-27
Read Scripture
Anger is certainly an emotion that touches all our lives. In Ephesians 4:26–27 Paul writes:
“In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Do not give the Devil a foothold.”
The reality is that all of us face situations and challenges that may make us angry. No one is immune. It’s been that way since the beginning of time – Genesis 4 tells the story of how Cain – the third person on earth – became angry with and killed his brother Abel – the fourth person on earth – and then goes on to tell how Lamech – Cain’s great – great grandson – killed a man or two also because they had “wronged him”.
Regardless of our emotional makeup, anger affects all of us — and when we allow anger to control us, we might not be able to do what God wants us to do in our lives until we make things right.
When the famous painter Leonardo da Vinci was painting The Last Supper, he became angry with someone who was interrupting him and lashed out at them. After the incident, he went back to his painting — but when he reached the point of painting the face of Jesus, he found that he could not do it without first making things right with the person he had become angry at.
Anger can grip our lives and cause us to do things we later wish we had not done. I am sure Cain wished he had not killed Abel after the fact. Sometimes the way we express our anger can be costly to us. It’s been that way since the beginning of time.
Several years ago, Temple University lost a basketball game to the University of Massachusetts by one point. John Chaney, the Temple coach , stormed into the press conference after the game and lashed out at John Calipari, the coach of the University of Massachusetts. He ended his tirade with the words “I am going to kill you!”—right in front of all the microphones. That outburst of anger cost John Chaney. His wife left him, his daughter wouldn’t even speak to him, and he was suspended by the university. He found that the repercussions for allowing anger to get the best of him were serious.
Yea — anger can grip our lives and cause us to do things we later wish we had not done. Sometimes the way we express our anger can be costly to us.
There are certain things we need to know about anger.
First — anger is acceptable.
Paul writes in Ephesians 5:26:
“In your anger do not sin.”
This tells us something very important — it is acceptable to be angry.
Many of us – especially those of us raised in the south – may have been taught that “nice ladies” and “nice gentlemen” don’t get angry. But – I see nothing Biblical to that at all. God never told us not to be angry. As a matter of fact, even Jesus got angry. In John 2 He went to the Temple, where he saw tables for buying and selling, like a business. He became angry when He saw that the Temple, which should have been a place of prayer and worship, had been converted to a business. Jesus overturned the tables and made everyone leave. He was definitely and without question angry, but – here’s the thing — he did not sin in his anger.
In Mark 3:5 it says about Jesus:
“He looked around at them in anger, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts.”
We need to remember that it’s okay to be angry. Anger is an emotion – it’s a feeling. To suppress the feelings and emotions that God created is really not a good thing. Repressed anger will always express itself somewhere in some way. Actually, the constructive expression of anger can even be helpful. If we can communicate to another person that something they have said or done has been hurtful, then maybe we can change the situation or the person so that we are not hurt again. If we cannot communicate our hurt and anger, we will find ourselves in the same circumstances over and over. We need to break the cycle by dealing with our anger – controlling it – or it will control us.
So – can we control our anger – or will it control us?
So – the first thing we need to know about anger is that anger is acceptable.
The second thing we need to know about anger is that unresolved anger causes problems.
The Bible teaches us this. Paul writes:
“Do not give the Devil a foothold.”
The Greek word for foothold means simply “a place” or “an opportunity.” We can’t give the Devil an opportunity or a foothold where he can get into our lives. Unresolved anger gives the Enemy an opportunity to lead us into unkind thoughts, actions, and words. Unresolved anger can even cause health problems. The University of Tennessee completed a study in which they discovered that many health problems—such as depression, headaches, obesity, and autoimmune diseases — are the direct results of allowing unresolved anger to fester.
The reality is that many times our anger stems from unrealistic expectations that we place on ourselves. We become angry when we cannot change frustrating circumstances at work, when family members, friends, and co-workers fail to live up to our expectations, or when we believe we are being treated unfairly or disrespectfully. While the anger triggered by these things is okay –what happens if the anger goes unresolved is what can cause problems. The circumstances and consequences of unresolved anger affect all our lives, even though we try to go through life avoiding the subject.
I believe that we need to understand that there are 4 different types of anger.
First – there is passive anger. With passive anger we don’t let anyone know we are angry – but we really are. In the end, though, the anger comes out – sometimes in ways that are hurtful and at times that have nothing to do with the situation that originally made us angry.
The second type is aggressive anger — the one we are probably most familiar with — when someone becomes aggressive and shouts, or maybe even gets physical. There is no question they are angry – and usually we know why.
The third type is passive – aggressive anger, when somebody may be angry but not talk about it – but chronically causes problems for others. The expression of anger is passive, yet the anger is certainly present. We can be angry without yelling or screaming or hitting somebody.
The final type of anger is indirect anger, which occurs when express anger at someone – but it is really someone else who has made us angry. The person we are expressing anger to has nothing to do with shy we are angry!
Regardless how we express it – passively, aggressively, passive aggressively, or indirectly — anger touches all of our lives — men and women, young and old — and is not something we can avoid by moving or changing. Anger is an emotion that is in our world and in our lives. So — what can we do about it?
We have to learn how to deal with it.
We have to learn how to control it – or it will control us.
Paul writes in verse 26:
“Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry”
I believe this means you need to learn to deal with your anger. It’s ok to be angry, but you have to deal with your anger to keep from having the problems caused when anger remains unresolved.
I see 4 ways for us to deal with anger – and control our anger – before it controls us.
The first way to is to clarify the real issue.
Ask yourself what it is that is really making you angry – and if it’s worth getting upset over. If you and your spouse find yourselves arguing over what color the curtains in the living room should be, you might want to stop and realize that the color of the curtains is probably not the real issue. The real issue could be anything from how much the curtains cost to who gets to make the decisions. It is important to clarify the real reason for anger. You may have to dig deep and give yourself time to really think about everything that has happened to do this – along with all the emotions attached to the issue.
Sometimes you may have to trace back through your whole day to find out what first made you angry. Maybe there is something that upset you earlier that is unresolved, and now you are acting out in anger over that situation instead of the situation you are now facing. Sometimes – if it seems you are getting upset over a small thing – there’s a big thing in the background you are really angry about. Ask yourself what’s really making you angry – and try to deal with it – so minor things don’t become major problems.
So – one way to deal with anger – one way learn to control anger before it controls us – is to clarify the real issue you’re angry about.
The second way to deal with anger – or control your anger before it controls you — is to give yourself time.
This can be an enormous challenge. Many times you can express anger in the heat of the moment. If, however, you can remove yourself from the situation for a moment, you will be less likely to say or do something you’ll regret later. Sometimes you might get mad and just blow up at the moment – then have to deal with that explosion and its consequences later because you let our anger get the best of you. If you can learn to give yourself time and detach yourself from the situation or conversation where your are getting angry you might be able to keep from having a situation where your anger gets the best of you.
So – 2 ways to deal with anger – to control anger before it controls you — are to clarify what is the real situation and give yourself time.
The third way to deal with anger and control it before it controls you is to keep a door open for communication to take place.
In 1 Samuel 18 we have a story of King Saul who because angry at David and threw a spear at him. His aim was not good – and he missed. Alexander the Great was not so lucky with his aim. Alexander was an incredible strategist and soldier – bur at one time one of his boyhood friends, who had been promoted to general in his army, was drunk and began to speak disrespectfully to Alexander. In a fit of anger, Alexander grabbed his spear and threw it at his friend. His intent was simply to scare his friend, but his aim was poor and he caught his friend in the heart, killing him instantly. This great man who was able to conquer nations could not conquer his own anger. As a result, he lost one of his dear friends – and greatest generals. He was so distraught that he wept for days and even tried to kill himself.
One way to deal with anger is to keep communication flowing.
One thing that can be helpful if it is difficult to communicate verbally – or if verbal communication just leads to more and more arguments and increased anger — is to communicate in written form. Use a piece of paper to get your thoughts in order, so you can say what really needs to be said. Take some time, calm down, and put your thoughts on paper.
Another way to communicate when verbal communication only leads to more anger is to put down on paper what you’re feeling. You can then say to the person who has hurt you, “Would you read this? It reflects how I really feel.” This opens up communication in a surprising way, and as long as people are communicating, there is hope of healing and restoration. When parties stop talking, problems inevitably follow.
I have even heard the suggestion of writing down how you feel – getting the feelings and emotions out on paper – then never delivering the note – either tearing it up or keeping it. This might be a good idea if you need to get feelings out, but not necessarily address them to the other person involved. Journaling your feelings can be helpful. There was some conflict in one of the churches I served some years ago and things were said that hurt some of the members. One of the members wrote a letter to another describing how she felt – but never mailed it. She said if made her feel better to have what she felt on paper.
However you do it, find ways to keep the lines of communication open. As long as you are talking to the person you are angry with, there is hope.
So – you have 3 ways to deal with anger and control it before it controls you – clarify what is the real situation — give yourself time – and keep the lines of communication open.
Finally, I believe that the most helpful way to overcome anger and control anger before it controls you is to learn how to use degrees of anger.
Let’s say someone in a movie theater is talking or making noise behind you, and you could turn around — dump their popcorn over their head — and tell them to shut up. That may not be the best way to respond to that situation. Another option might be to politely turn around and ask them to be quiet. Most people will stop then out of sheer embarrassment. If the problem continues — you could ask them again to be quiet – or you could move from where you are sitting – or you could alert the ushers or the manager. The benefit of this type of approach is that instead of a jump from step A to step Z, there are steps in between — and you will find that many things get resolved along the way. Sometimes when we get angry, we just jump over all of these levels like a bomb exploding, and nobody can understand what our problem is. But if we go level by level, step by step, everyone will know why we are angry.
So – there are ways to deal with – and learn to control – your anger. It’s not easy to learn how to clarify what the real situation is, or give yourself time, or keep the lines of communication open, or use the different degrees of anger when you are angry – but if we learn to use these tools, we can learn how to deal with anger – and control it before it controls us.
This has certainly been the case in my life. I have come a long way, but I know that I still have a long way to go. Some of you may not believe that I have a temper or that I can get angry – but just ask those who know me well or have seen me at times when my guard was down. I can go off like an atomic bomb at times! The thing is — I am trying to learn that when I clarify what the real issue is, or give myself time, or keep the lines of communication open, or use the different degrees of anger when I am are angry, I can control my anger instead of it controlling me. I’m not saying it’s easy – it’s hard for me to clarify what the real issue is, or give myself time, or keep the lines of communication open, or use the different degrees of anger. But – I am finding that these are ways to control my anger – deal with it as God would have me to – and control it before it controls me.
It has been said that we live in “The Age of Rage.” America is the most violent country in the world. For every homicide in England, there are thirteen in America. You read of folks driving shooting others over petty disagreements. Violence affects everyone in this age, and people seem to explode over trivial things.
God does not want us to be this way. No — the Christian lifestyle is supposed to be different, and one of the ways you can show our differences is by not allowing anger to control you. The reality is this: There will be times when you are in situations over which we have no control. When this happens, you have to be willing to say:
I don’t control this situation, and getting angry is not going to do any good. In fact, it will probably make things worse. I may not be able to control the situation – but I can control how I react to it – and I choose to react in a way that will not increase the anger or add to the problem.
In a society where rage is everywhere, this is one way you can show that you are a different person – God’s person – living in God’s ways. It does not mean you have to be perfect or that you won’t ever get angry. Remember — even Jesus got angry. It is when anger your goes unresolved that problems develop.
When you are angry – learn to deal with it – either by clarifying what is the real situation you are angry about — giving yourself time in a situation — keep the lines of communication open – or realizing what degree of anger is the best to use when responding to the situation. Sometimes you have to use several of these at the same time. The bottom line is – anger is a problem we all have to deal with – you just have to learn to deal with it in God’s ways. In the end anger hurts us more than it does anybody else. We destroy only ourselves when we let our anger go unchecked. God does not want that for us, because He has something much better planned for our lives.
Learn God’s ways to control your anger – before it controls you. Amen.
