James 3:1-12

James 3:1-12

Can I Tame My Tongue?

July 26, 2009

Part 4 of summer 2009 series: You’ve Got Questions – God Has Answers

Life is filled with things that bother us and that are problems for us – questions we might wish we had answers for.  These things can range from how to deal with the economy and the way if affects our daily living to how to be a Christian parent to how to deal with “difficult people” to how to deal with emotions such as anger to how to keep from saying things that we know are not things God would have us be saying.

The  Bible is our guide to living life in God’s ways – and contains God’s answers to our questions in life. Paul wrote to Timothy in 2 Timothy 3:16-17 that:

^“16All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, ¹⁷so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.”

We’re looking at some of the issues and questions we may face in our lives – and how God would have us deal with them.  Today we are looking at an issue that all of us face –a battle that all of us have to fight – and all of us need help with – that issue of how to keep from saying things that we know God does not want us to say!

Raise your hand if you have never been in a situation where you wished you could take back what you had just said.

I don’t see any hands raised. Mine’s not either.

OK – so raise your hands if you frequently find yourself in a situation where you wished you could take back what you just said.

That group is a little bit larger – isn’t it? I’m in that group myself.

The thing is – we all find ourselves from time to time wishing we could take back what we had just said – and finding that – like putting toothpaste back in the tube after it’s been squeezed out – it can be almost impossible to take words back after they are said.

So – what’s the answer?

How can you manage your mouth?

How can you tame your tongue?

Can I tame my tongue?

Good question. And one most of us have probably asked time and again.

Let’s look at God’s word for an answer.

Listen to God’s word from James 3:1-12

At a meeting of our 5 Church youth group in the church I served in North Carolina we once played a game where one group picked up a bed sheet and stretched it out while another group tossed water balloons up into the air. The idea was for the balloons to be caught on the sheet without breaking.

I volunteered to be one of the ones who “launched” the balloons.

I must confess that I was drawn to the “launch pad” – not because I wanted to toss the balloons softly so they could be caught without breaking — but because I wanted to throw them hard enough for them to break and blast those holding the sheet them with water.

Needless to say, by the end of the game most of us were having more fun launching balloons of destruction – hurling them as hard as we could so they would burst – than really playing the game and trying to throw them softly so they could be caught on the sheet without breaking.  In fact, by the end of the game everyone was getting soaked – whether they were “part of the game” or not!
Now — our balloons were small — and yet with them we had the ability to use them to “play nice” and follow the rules – – or “soak” others.  It all depended on how we used them.

You know something — our words have the same power.  They can be used to bring joy and build someone up — or cause despair and quickly tear someone down. It all depends on how they are used!

Proverbs 18:21 puts it this way:

“The tongue has the power of life and death…”

The question for most of us – if not all of us – is –

“Can I Tame My Tongue?”

Let’s look at some practical steps that will help all of us tame our tongues.                        The stakes are high. Our words can either bring life, or they can bring death to our spouses, our kids, our parents, our siblings, our relatives, our friends, our co-workers, and our neighbors. Our tongues can build others up, or they can tear them down.

Our passage for today comes from the book of James – a short book that has only five chapters – but is known for its practical wisdom and “common sense sound bites” for life. Throughout the letter James is helping his readers learn to resist temptation as they bridle their anger, their tongues, and their prejudices. The church was tolerating evil — showing favoritism — and had a lot of in fighting going on – church members were even slandering and lying about one another. They were using their tongues to destroy each other.

Someone has said that great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, and small minds discuss people.

The church that James is writing to was full of small-minded people who gossiped about each other and tore one another apart with their tongues.

I wonder – are we not a bit like that church?

We’re quick to avoid murder and stealing — but we often assassinate fellow folks and leave destruction in our wake by the way we use our tongues. Husbands  stab their wives with words that are as sharp as daggers and wives have lash out with tongues that cut and pierce. Parents devastate their kids by repeated blasts of venom and children explode at their parents with volleys that have leveled the family like a bomb. And you know what? Churches have been wiped out by wagging tongues that have sliced, diced, and chopped people to shreds.

Listen to what is written in James 1:19, 26:

“…Take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. . if anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight reign on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless.”

If you and I launch verbal balloons of destruction, they will have devastating consequences on others. And, our words have a direct correlation with our own spirituality — if we don’t exhibit control over our tongues, we can render our religion of no value.

So  — can you and I learn to tame our tongues?

A question each of us must ask ourselves is:\

“Can I Tame My Tongue?”

I want you to notice how James connects sins of the tongue with sins of the body. He does this because our words usually lead to deeds.

The hardest sins to control are the sins of the tongue. A mature person is able to hold the most uncontrollable part of his human anatomy in check.

Proverbs 21:23 says

“He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.”
The tongue remains hidden for the most part, but when it does make its presence known it has devastating power. The tongue can express or repress; release or restrain; enlighten or obscure; adore or abhor; offend or befriend; affirm or alienate; build or belittle; comfort or criticize; delight or destroy; be sincere or sinister.

In verses 3-12, James uses 6 different word pictures of the tongue to help us see how small, yet powerful it is. He writes that it is: :
A bit
A rudder
A fire
A dangerous animal
A spring
Fruit

Let’s look at some of these things:
1. Bit.

The first metaphor is the bit that is put into a horse’s mouth by a trainer.          This relatively small piece of metal can control a very powerful animal, directing the horse to the right or left and telling him to stop. When the bit is pulled back by the rider, it presses against the horse’s tongue causing him to stop.

2 ­ Rudder.

James also compares the tongue to a rudder on a boat. Just as a small rudder can control the direction of a large liner or even an aircraft carrier, so too, the tongue can control our lives.

Both the bit and the rudder must overcome contrary forces. The bit controls the wild nature of a horse; the rudder must fight the winds and currents that would drive the ship off course. Both the bit and the rudder must be under the control of a strong hand.

When I was in high school, I was out a lake with some friends.  Some of us were water skiing – and one guy signaled that he was ready to quit. A buddy of ours was driving the boat and decided to turn the wheel sharply to get the one on skis to wipe out. As he turned the wheel, the boat dipped suddenly to the left, causing him to fall out of his seat. The skier hit the water, of course, and then the boat started coming right toward him – at full throttle. At the very last second, the driver regained control of the boat and turned the wheel – and the boat just missed the fallen skier by inches! What was intended to be a prank almost turned into a disaster. And, with just a small turn of the wheel, a life was saved.

Friends, our tongues are the same way. They’re small but they have the power to delight or destroy. From our mouths come either words of life or words of death.

Let’s see what else James compares the tongue to:
3 ­ Fire.

After talking about the power of a bit in the mouth of a horse, and the power of a small rudder to steer a large boat, James uses the image of fire in 3:5-6:      “Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue is also a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.”
Just like a small spark can ignite an entire forest, words that flow out of tongues can corrupt lives and shipwreck families. Words that are unleashed without thought can significantly affect and alter lives. James is pretty strong here as he tells us that our tongues are set on fire by hell itself.
I was never part of the game I am about to describe – but I read of some boys who were in the woods playing with fire — literally. They were lighting matches and throwing them into the dry grass and then stomping the flames out before it could get out of control. Suddenly one of the flames got out of control – and engulfed a pine tree and then spread throughout the entire woods! A little spark had caused extensive damage to an entire forest!

Like a careless match thrown into dry grass, so our words can completely demolish people.
Parents, if you want heaven’s help for your home, you need to realize the potential your words have for destruction. Your words can bring a form of death to your kids. We might not even realize what our words do to our children. When sparks fly in our homes, firestorms can erupt creating a blazing inferno that leaves deep scars and lasting pain.

After the singer Karen Carpenter died of heart failure at the age of 32 brought on by years of fighting an eating disorder, it came out that her fatal obsession with her weight was triggered by a single reviewer’s comment. When referring to Karen, this man called her “Richard’s chubby sister.” While I’m sure there were other factors attributing to Karen Carpenter’s struggles, this one comment unleashed a flurry of self-doubt, which led to her eventual disease and death.

We really need to watch our words, don’t we?

Let me give you a suggestion. When your child does something wrong, instead of saying something like, “You’re naughty,” or “You’re such a brat,” why not say something like, “What you did was wrong and I don’t want you to do that again.” It’s real easy to say things to our kids that are not really true — the tragedy is that they can very easily grow up thinking they are naughty, or bratty, or chubby, or ugly. Try to separate who they are from what they do.

Other times, we might be deliberately caustic as we look for ways to skewer someone with our words. Like launching a water balloon at some unsuspecting people, it can bring us strange pleasure to tear someone down. Maybe we think it helps us look better when we cut others down.
The old saying: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me!” Is just not true – is it? Words can break our hearts. Broken bones can heal with time, but a broken spirit caused by words may not be quickly repaired.
Words can spread like fire in our families – our Church – the community.

Let me ask you a couple questions.

How many people have you maimed or killed with your words?

Is your tongue quick to criticize?

Do your words build up or do they tear down?

The next thing James compares the tongue to is:

4 ­ A dangerous animal.

As important as it is to not speak death words and to instead speak words of life, we have a problem. Take a look at verses 7-8:

“All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.”

I can’t tame my tongue.

You can’t tame your tongue.
It’s amazing when you think about it. Every dangerous animal can eventually be tamed. Ferocious lions can jump through burning hoops, grizzly bears can ride on horses, and huge elephants can do handstands. We have a remarkable ability to tame ferocious beasts — but can’t get hold of our tongues.

Like snake venom, or corrosive rust, our tongues are just looking to strike unsuspecting people. Our tongues are active — they never rest. A bite of the most venomous serpent does not do as much damage as a wagging tongue.

In verses 9-10 James lays out the dichotomy and hypocritical nature of our tongues:

“With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.”

We bless God while we blast away at others!

There’s something wrong with this picture.

James also compares the tongue to:
5 ­ A spring.

James draws his fifth word picture to help us see that it should be impossible for us to both bless and blast out of the same mouth. He asks a penetrating question in verse 11:

“Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?”

The image here is of a fresh, flowing stream that has both bitter water and sweet water flowing through it. Natural springs still remain in the Middle East today. Some produce fresh water, and some produce salt water. However, none produce both. It is not possible. James is saying here that just as it is impossible for a spring to have both sweet and sour water, so too it is inconceivable for the tongue to send forth both righteousness and rumors; blessing and blasting, compliments and cursing.

The last word picture James gives is:
6 ­ Fruit.

The final image is that of fruit in verse 12:

“My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.”

We expect a fig tree to have figs on it and a grapevine to have grapes. Nature reproduces after its kind. James is calling us to be consistent. What comes out of our mouths is a reflection of what is in our hearts.

So – again – the question is:

Can I Tame My Tongue?

I want to give you a number of action steps this morning.

It’s not enough to just hear about how powerful our tongues are, or even just to walk away understanding a bit more about this passage. If we want to have tamed tongues, then we must put into practice what we’ve heard.

My first suggestion is:

1. 1. Read Proverbs and James.

The Book of Proverbs has 31 chapters, one for each day of the month. Why not make a decision to read a chapter each day, along with a chapter from the Book of James? After a month, you will have read through the entire book of Proverbs once and James 6 times! Almost every chapter in Proverbs has something about the tongue.

One day you might read:

“A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.”

Another day you might read:

“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

Try reading Proverbs and James.

My second suggestion is to:
2. Think First.

I heard of a mother who asks her kids a question on a regular basis:

“Are your words flames or flowers?”

Realize that you have a choice to make.

You can plant beautiful flowers with your words or you can unleash a raging fire.
Using the acronym THINK, try to ask these 5 questions before you speak.
Is it True?

There is a rule about gossip: “The more interesting it is, the more likely it is to be false.”
Is it Helpful?

Will your words help bring about a solution to a problem?
Is it Inspiring?

Will your words build up someone?
Is it Necessary?

Do we have to say anything at all?
Is it Kind?

Are your words based on a desire to help?

THINK – try to ensure your words are True – Helpful – Inspiring – Necessary – and Kind – before you speak!

Another suggestion for taming your tongue is:
3. Talk Less.

Your chances of blowing it with your words are directly proportional to the amount of time you spend with your mouth open.

Abe Lincoln said, “It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.”

Calvin Coolidge said, “I have never been hurt by anything I did not say.”                                                                Proverbs 10:19 puts it this way: “he who holds his tongue is wise.”

I read this week about a woman who had a very serious throat condition. The doctor told her that her vocal cords needed total rest.  She was forbidden to talk for 6 months! With a husband and 6 kids, this seemed impossible, but she did what she was told. When she needed the kids she blew a whistle. Whenever she needed to communicate she wrote things on pads of paper. After six months, her voice came back. When asked what it was like to communicate only in writing, she said this:                                        “You’d be surprised how many notes I crumpled up and threw into the trash before I gave them to anyone. Seeing my words before anyone heard them had an effect that I don’t think I can ever forget.”
King David, after seeing how his words got him in trouble wrote this in Psalm 39:1,

“I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin; I will put a muzzle on my mouth.”

While we might not be able to stop talking for six months, we can learn to talk less!

A 4^th suggestion is
4. Build up others.

The Bible continuously reminds us to encourage one another with our words.     Someone has said that we shouldn’t complain about our spouse’s faults because if it weren’t for those faults they could have married someone so much better!

Are we speaking words of death or words of life?

Words of life energize people.

Proverbs 12:25 says,

“An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.”
Chuck Swindoll tells the story about a guy he went to seminary with. This man had a bright red birthmark that covered half his face. After Chuck got to know him a little bit, he finally got up the courage to ask him what had happened. His friend answered by telling him what his dad had told him: “Son, that birthmark is where an angel kissed your face. You have it so that I can always pick you out of the crowd.” Swindoll’s friend then turned to him and said, “You know, I almost feel sorry for those who don’t have a birthmark.”

Friends, that dad spoke words of life to his son ­ and the son was still living off those words years later.
Let me challenge you to give one encouraging word to everyone you talk to every day. You’ll probably have to be deliberate. Tell your son or daughter something that will build them up. Teenagers, give a life-word to your parents. Siblings, say something kind to each other. Couples, affirm and encourage each other – try it — at least once a day.

Here’s another suggestion:
5. Have Heart Surgery.

Why is it so hard to say kind things with our tongues?

Where does all the garbage come from that comes out of our mouths?

Jesus gives us some insight in Matthew 12:34 and 15:19:

“For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks…for out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, lies and slander.”
I don’t want you to leave here today trying to tame your tongue by your own strength. It will take more than just willpower and determination. In its natural state, the tongue is a “restless evil”. It’s like a ferocious beast that will not be subdued and like a serpent that’s full of deadly poison.

If you want to stop using death words and begin speaking words of life, you need a different heart. The good news is that Jesus specializes in heart transplants. If you’ve never allowed Jesus to change you from the inside out, then it’s time for some heart surgery. If you keep your old heart, you’ll continue to launch verbal grenades and live like you’ve always lived. But, if you ask Jesus for a new one by turning your life over to Him, you can have a fresh start, a new beginning.
Only God can give us the power we need to build others up instead of tearing them down. If you want to be a dispenser of life words instead of death words, you need to be rightly related to God. And, we become rightly related to God through our words.

So – you want to tame your tongue?

1. 1. Read Proverbs and James
2. 2. THINK first
3. 3. Talk less
4. 4. Build up others
5. 5. Have heart surgery

Only God can help you tame your tongue!   Amen

Ephesians 4:17-27

Ephesians 4:17-27

Can I Control My Anger – Or Will It Control Me?

Part 4 of 2009 summer series on God’s answers to our questions

July 19 2009

This summer we are looking at some of the things that we find to be problems or that we have questions about in our everyday lives –– and how we can find God’s answers to these problems and questions.

Life is filled with things that bother us and that are problems for us – questions we might wish we had answers for.  These things can range from how to deal with the economy and the way if affects our daily living to how to be a Christian parent to how to deal with “difficult people” to how to deal with emotions such as anger.

The Bible is our guide to living life in God’s ways – and contains God’s answers to our questions in life.

Paul wrote to Timothy in 2 Timothy 3:16-17 that:

^“16All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, ¹⁷so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.”

This summer we’re looking at some of the issues and questions we may face in our lives – and how God would have us deal with them.

Today we are going to look at one of the issues we all have face and may have questions about – that is how to deal with our emotions – particularly the emotion of anger.

How do we deal with anger?

There are times all of us get angry!

Anger is a feeling we are all familiar with!

The question is – how do we deal with it?

How does God want us to deal with anger?

Can you learn to control your anger – or will it control you?

Listen to God’s word in Ephesians 4:17-27

Read Scripture

Anger is certainly an emotion that touches all our lives. In Ephesians 4:26–27 Paul writes:

“In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Do not give the Devil a foothold.”

The reality is that all of us face situations and challenges that may make us angry. No one is immune. It’s been that way since the beginning of time — Genesis 4 tells the story of how Cain – the third person on earth – became angry with and killed his brother Abel – the fourth person on earth – and then goes on to tell how Lamech – Cain’s great – great grandson – killed a man or two also because they had “wronged him”.

Regardless of our emotional makeup, anger affects all of us — and when we allow anger to control us, we might not be able to do what God wants us to do in  our lives until  we make things right.

When the famous painter Leonardo da Vinci was painting The Last Supper, he became angry with someone who was interrupting him and lashed out at them. After the incident, he went back to his painting — but when he reached the point of painting the face of Jesus, he found that he could not do it without first making things right with the person he had become angry at.

Anger can grip our lives and cause us to do things we later wish we had not done. I am sure Cain wished he had not killed Abel after the fact. Sometimes the way we express our anger can be costly to us. It’s been that way since the beginning of time.

Several years ago, Temple University lost a basketball game to the University of Massachusetts by one point. John Chaney, the Temple coach , stormed into the press conference after the game and lashed out at John Calipari, the coach of the University of Massachusetts. He ended his tirade with the words “I am going to kill you!”—right in front of all the microphones. That outburst of anger cost John Chaney. His wife left him, his daughter wouldn’t even speak to him, and he was suspended by the university. He found that the repercussions for allowing anger to get the best of him were serious.

Yea — anger can grip our lives and cause us to do things we later wish we had not done. Sometimes the way we express our anger can be costly to us.

There are certain things we need to know about anger.

First — anger is acceptable.

Paul writes in Ephesians 5:26:
“In your anger do not sin.”

This tells us something very important — it is acceptable to be angry.

Many of us – especially those of us raised in the south – may have been taught that “nice ladies” and “nice gentlemen” don’t get angry.  But – I see nothing Biblical to that at all. God never told us not to be angry. As a matter of fact, even Jesus got angry. In John 2 He went to the Temple, where he saw tables for buying and selling, like a business. He became angry when He saw that the Temple, which should have been a place of prayer and worship, had been converted to a business. Jesus overturned the tables and made everyone leave.  He was definitely and without question angry, but – here’s the thing — he did not sin in his anger.

In Mark 3:5 it says about Jesus:

“He looked around at them in anger, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts.”

We need to remember that it’s okay to be angry. Anger is an emotion – it’s a feeling. To suppress the feelings and emotions that God created is really not a good thing.  Repressed anger will always express itself somewhere in some way. Actually, the constructive expression of anger can even be helpful. If we can communicate to another person that something they have said or done has been hurtful, then maybe we can change the situation or the person so that we are not hurt again. If we cannot communicate our hurt and anger, we will find ourselves in the same circumstances over and over. We need to break the cycle by dealing with our anger – controlling it – or it will control us.

So – can we control our anger – or will it control us?

So – the first thing we need to know about anger is that anger is acceptable.

The second thing we need to know about anger is that unresolved anger causes problems.
The Bible teaches us this. Paul writes:

“Do not give the Devil a foothold.”

The Greek word for foothold means simply “a place” or “an opportunity.” We can’t give the Devil an opportunity or a foothold where he can get into our lives. Unresolved anger gives the Enemy an opportunity to lead us into unkind thoughts, actions, and words. Unresolved anger can even cause health problems. The University of Tennessee completed a study in which they discovered that many health problems—such as depression, headaches, obesity, and autoimmune diseases — are the direct results of allowing unresolved anger to fester.

The reality is that many times our anger stems from unrealistic expectations that we place on ourselves. We become angry when we cannot change frustrating circumstances at work, when family members, friends, and co-workers fail to live up to our expectations, or when we believe we are being treated unfairly or disrespectfully. While the anger triggered by these things is okay –what happens if the anger goes unresolved is what can cause problems. The circumstances and consequences of unresolved anger affect all our lives, even though we try to go through life avoiding the subject.

I believe that we need to understand that there are 4 different types of anger.

First – there is passive anger. With passive anger we don’t let anyone know we are angry – but we really are.  In the end, though, the anger comes out – sometimes in ways that are hurtful and at times that have nothing to do with the situation that originally made us angry.

The second type is aggressive anger — the one we are probably most familiar with — when someone becomes aggressive and shouts, or maybe even gets physical. There is no question they are angry – and usually we know why.

The third type is passive – aggressive anger, when somebody may be angry but not talk about it – but chronically causes problems for others. The expression of anger is passive, yet the anger is certainly present. We can be angry without yelling or screaming or hitting somebody.

The final type of anger is indirect anger, which occurs when express anger at someone – but it is really someone else who has made us angry.  The person we are expressing anger to has nothing to do with shy we are angry!

Regardless how we express it – passively, aggressively, passive aggressively, or indirectly — anger touches all of our lives — men and women, young and old — and is not something we can avoid by moving or changing. Anger is an emotion that is in our world and in our lives. So — what can we do about it?

We have to learn how to deal with it.

We have to learn how to control it – or it will control us.

Paul writes in verse 26:

“Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry”

I believe this means you need to learn to deal with your anger. It’s ok to be angry, but you have to deal with your anger to keep from having the problems caused when anger remains unresolved.

I see 4 ways for us to deal with anger – and control our anger – before it controls us.

The first way to is to clarify the real issue.

Ask yourself what it is that is really making you angry – and if it’s worth getting upset over. If you and your spouse find yourselves arguing over what color the curtains in the living room should be, you might want to stop and realize that the color of the curtains is probably not the real issue.  The real issue could be  anything from how much the curtains cost to who gets to make the decisions. It is important to clarify the real reason for anger. You may have to dig deep and give yourself time to really think about everything that has happened to do this – along with all the emotions attached to the issue.

Sometimes you may have to trace back through your whole day to find out what first made you angry.  Maybe there is something that upset you earlier that is unresolved, and now you are acting out in anger over that situation instead of the situation you are now facing.  Sometimes – if it seems you are getting upset over a small thing – there’s a big thing in the background you are really angry about. Ask yourself what’s really making you angry – and try to deal with it – so minor things don’t become major problems.

So – one way to deal with anger – one way learn to control anger before it controls us —   is to clarify the real issue you’re angry about.

The second way to deal with anger – or control your anger before it controls you — is to give yourself time.

This can be an enormous challenge. Many times you can express anger in the heat of the moment. If, however, you can remove yourself from the situation for a moment, you will be less likely to say or do something you’ll regret later. Sometimes you might get mad and just blow up at the moment – then have to deal with that explosion and its consequences later because you let our anger get the best of you. If you can learn to give yourself time and detach yourself from the situation or conversation where your are getting angry you might be able to keep from having a situation where your anger gets the best of you.

So – 2 ways to deal with anger – to control anger before it controls you — are to clarify what is the real situation and give yourself time.

The third way to deal with anger and control it before it controls you is to keep a door open for communication to take place.

In 1 Samuel 18 we have a story of King Saul who because angry at David and threw a spear at him.  His aim was not good – and he missed.  Alexander the Great was not so lucky with his aim. Alexander was an incredible strategist and soldier – bur at one time one of his boyhood friends, who had been promoted to general in his army, was drunk and began to speak disrespectfully to Alexander. In a fit of anger, Alexander grabbed his spear and threw it at his friend. His intent was simply to scare his friend, but his aim was poor and he caught his friend in the heart, killing him instantly. This great man who was able to conquer nations could not conquer his own anger. As a result, he lost one of his dear friends – and greatest generals. He was so distraught that he wept for days and even tried to kill himself.

One way to deal with anger is to keep communication flowing.

One thing that can be helpful if it is difficult to communicate verbally – or if verbal communication just leads to more and more arguments and increased anger — is to communicate in written form. Use a piece of paper to get your thoughts in order, so you can say what really needs to be said. Take some time, calm down, and put your thoughts on paper.

Another way to communicate when verbal communication only leads to more anger is to put down on paper what you’re feeling. You can then say to the person who has hurt you, “Would you read this? It reflects how I really feel.” This opens up communication in a surprising way, and as long as people are communicating, there is hope of healing and restoration. When parties stop talking, problems inevitably follow.

I have even heard the suggestion of writing down how you feel – getting the feelings and emotions out on paper – then never delivering the note – either tearing it up or keeping it.  This might be a good idea if you need to get feelings out, but not necessarily address them to the other person involved.  Journaling your feelings can be helpful. There was some conflict in one of the churches I served some years ago and things were said that hurt some of the members.  One of the members wrote a letter to another describing how she felt – but never mailed it.  She said if made her feel better to have what she felt on paper.

However you do it, find ways to keep the lines of communication open.  As long as you are talking to the person you are angry with, there is hope.

So – you have 3 ways to deal with anger and control it before it controls you —  clarify what is the real situation — give yourself time – and keep the lines of communication open.

Finally, I believe that the most helpful way to overcome anger and control anger before it controls you is to learn how to use degrees of anger.

Let’s say someone in a movie theater is talking or making noise behind you, and you could turn around — dump their popcorn over their head — and tell them to shut up. That may not be the best way to respond to that situation. Another option might be to  politely turn around and ask them to be quiet. Most people will stop then out of sheer embarrassment. If the problem continues — you could ask them again to be quiet – or you could move from where you are sitting – or you could alert the ushers or the manager. The benefit of this type of approach is that instead of a jump from step A to step Z, there are steps in between — and you will find that many things get resolved along the way. Sometimes when we get angry, we just jump over all of these levels like a bomb exploding, and nobody can understand what our problem is. But if we go level by level, step by step, everyone will know why we are angry.

So – there are ways to deal with – and learn to control – your anger. It’s not easy to learn how to clarify what the real situation is, or give yourself time, or keep the lines of communication open, or use the different degrees of anger when you are angry – but if we learn to use these tools, we can learn how to deal with anger – and control it before it controls us.

This has certainly been the case in my life. I have come a long way, but I know that I still have a long way to go. Some of you may not believe that I have a temper or that I can get angry – but just ask those who know me well or have seen me at times when my guard was down.  I can go off like an atomic bomb at times! The thing is — I am trying to learn that when I clarify what the real issue is, or give myself time, or keep the lines of communication open, or use the different degrees of anger when I am  are angry, I can control my anger instead of it controlling  me.  I’m not saying it’s easy – it’s hard for me to clarify what the real issue is, or give myself time, or keep the lines of communication open, or use the different degrees of anger. But – I am finding that these are ways to control my anger – deal with it as God would have me to – and control it before it controls me.

It has been said that we live in “The Age of Rage.” America is the most violent country in the world. For every homicide in England, there are thirteen in America. You read of folks driving shooting others over petty disagreements.   Violence affects everyone in this age, and people seem to explode over trivial things.

God does not want us to be this way. No — the Christian lifestyle is supposed to be different, and one of the ways you can show our differences is by not allowing anger to control you. The reality is this: There will be times when you are in situations over which we have no control. When this happens, you have to be  willing to say:

I don’t control this situation, and getting angry is not going to do any good. In fact, it will probably make things worse. I may not be able to control the situation – but I can control how I react to it – and I choose to react in a way that will not increase the anger or add to the problem.

In a society where rage is everywhere, this is one way you can show that you are a different person – God’s person – living in God’s ways. It does not mean you have to be perfect or that you won’t ever get angry.  Remember — even Jesus got angry. It is when anger your goes unresolved that problems develop.

When you are angry – learn to deal with it – either by clarifying what is the real situation you are angry about  — giving yourself time in a situation — keep the lines of communication open – or realizing what degree of anger is the best to use when responding to the situation.  Sometimes you have to use several of these at the same time.  The bottom line is – anger is a problem we all have to deal with – you just have to learn to deal with it in God’s ways. In the end anger hurts us more than it does anybody else. We destroy only ourselves when we let our anger go unchecked. God does not want that for us, because He has something much better planned for our lives.

Learn God’s ways to control your anger – before it controls you.  Amen.